Why this Darkness? Why this haze?
About which I’m to live my days?
It seems to me a troubling lot
That you have placed me in this spot.
Of such despair and loneliness
Confusion, grief and emptiness
When all I’d wanted I confess
Was you alone, my God to bless.
I remember early on
you’d whisper to me all day long.
The hearing of your voice so sweet
The knowledge of your love so deep
There’s nothing that I wouldn’t give
That all my days, to you, to live
For all my heart and souls desire’s
To be made new, refined by fire.
I once had prayed you’d take me through
Whatever’d lead me close to you
You heard, I thought, then questioned why
All trace of you seemed gone awry.
You lifted up your hand of grace
And of your love, I felt no trace.
It seemed you had abandoned me,
And to your word I sought to flee.
The truth that once had pierced my soul,
Confusion blocked, distraction’s toll.
And now it seems you’ve lifted up
Your hand of grace and its sweet cup.
Nightmares, pain and scorching lies
That plague my thoughts amidst my cries.
Answered not my anyone,
But silence even from the Son.
The Jesus I had thought I knew,
Spared not all these as I grew
In weakness and humility
And of the sin stored up in me.
I prayed, I longed, I asked him why
Must I go on with no reply ”
He answers not, yet still I try
To figure out why I’m so dry
Dead and lifeless though I feel,
A part of me knows He’s still real.
Glimpses of amazing grace
Upon my friends, upon their face.
Now I have lain down all my need
To know the mysteries you decreed
To bring about some fruitfulness
Within my life, that I might bless.
The soul of Him to whom I live
And to his glory hope to give.
My prayer is not, O Lord, why this?
And tell me please what did I miss?
Instead it is, O Lord, your face
Which I will seek but by your grace
With every moment of my life
Regardless of my daily strife.
My feelings are but fickle things
To which my soul so naturally clings.
The horrid silence I perceive
May well be devils who deceive
Me into thinking that I’ve failed
Discipleship and not prevailed.
Regardless of distorted thought,
I hope to say, my life I’ve fought
For Jesus who is worth it call
And at who’s feet I’ll daily fall.
I know not when, I know not how,
But someday every knee will bow
To You upon Your glorious throne
By truth and justice which you own.
It matters not what I would feel,
But just to know that you are real
Would satisfy my heart’s delight
And make it all so worth the fight.